


A bishop in distress

by Cirilla9



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Action, Blink And You Miss It Slash, Canon Continuation, Canon-Typical Violence, Denial of Feelings, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Fix-It, Gen, Heroism, M/M, Multi, Other, Parody, Possessive Behavior, Prisoner of War, Rescue Missions, Slavery, Vikings, War, but i think that's what we all need, s05e08, the only acceptable course of action, was supposed to be epic but turned parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 16:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13345341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirilla9/pseuds/Cirilla9
Summary: How s05e09 should have look like after what they did to us: Ivar going to rescue his bishop. Pure parody. Hvitserk for once not being the object of all the jokes.





	A bishop in distress

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean in one place. Careful where you step into.

_Your Christian is dead._

Harald's words rang in Ivar's ears long after the king spoke them on the battlefield. He could not believe them still. Back then he felt like crying, now pure denial appeared. His Christian could not have just died. Not after Ivar finally made some amenities toward him, gave him back his sword, brought him to fight at last. It was to be just the beginning of their story, not the end.

The Christian was not easy to kill either. If Ivar's men couldn't do so, Lagertha's shieldmaidens all the more wouldn’t achieve that.

Another thought appeared at that, more outrageous than depressing. What if he was alive and fell into the hands of that greedy bitch? Lagertha had taken everything from Ivar, she killed his mother, took over his kingdom, she will not have his Christian. Ivar would make sure of that.

With that resolve made, he crawled out of his bed.

\- Where are you going? - asked Hvitserk from his bed as he heard the thump of his brother's body falling down.

\- Not your business, - Ivar started to pull on his chainmail, attaching the knives to his waist. The metal contraption on the leg would just slow him down, so he left that.

\- You don’t need that just to take a leak, - Hvitserk spoke up again.

\- Because that’s not my purpose.

\- Then what is?

\- I'm going to Lagertha's camp, - Ivar buckled the leather straps decidedly.

\- Are you mad?! I mean I know you're crazy, but to this extent?! They're gonna kill you! Why are you going there?

\- To take something that belongs to me.

\- We'd retrieve the throne during...oh Gods you're going for your pet.

\- He’s not a pet.

\- I am right, aren’t I?

\- Fuck off, - spat Ivar. – Or come with me.

 

* * *

 

 

They laid hidden under the ferns, observing the area of the enemies’ camp when Hvitserk chuckled, his whole body shuddering with it. Ivar looked at him with gaze reserved for biggest idiots only, like Björn or Harald.

\- What’s wrong with you?

\- I’m sorry, - squeezed out Hvitserk, almost crying from glee, - I just never, haha, never thought you and I are gonna rescue your beloved together one day.

Ivar’s fist connected with his jaw. It diminished Hvitserk hilarity only a little bit.

\- He's not my beloved! I don't do things like romance!

\- Then why are we rescuing him like a maiden in distress from all the sagas?

\- He's... valuable

\- Yeah, right. That's why you didn't want to take ransom for him in England. Makes perfect sense. All coherent and all.

\- In different way! On the battlefield. He's useful. And she could use him against us. He said he didn't care which side he fights for.

\- I can think of different ways she could use him too, - Hvitserk smirked suggestively.

\- Shut the fuck up. She wants to fuck Ubbe besides.

\- She's a jarl now. She can fuck as many as she wants.

\- But not my Christian.

 

* * *

 

 

\- Stay! Who's coming? - the guard asked, pointing with his spear at the newcomer.

Hvitserk came in light of a torch, his hands spread wide

\- Shh, this is just me. Is Ubbe somewhere here?

\- Why? You want to switch sides again? You've left him on the boat.

\- Just go tell Ubbe I'm waiting here. But bring only him. And don't tell anyone else.

\- I can't. I've got a mission.

Another man came from around the corner.

\- What is happening?! Are they attack- who are you even?

\- Hvitserk, Ubbe's brother, - repeated Hvitserk patiently. -  I'm here for a secret meeting with him. We decided it during negotiation.

The latter guard studied him for several moments, then turned to his companion.

\- He's lying.

\- Why would he?

\- He wouldn't told us if it was a secret meeting.

\- He told you the truth about being Ubbe's brother though. I know him.

\- I am telling the truth. Go snatch Ubbe, - put in Hvitserk.

\- But a mission...

\- Guarding helpless prisoner? I think one of you will suffice. The other can carry a message. If you  do this correctly I will reward you.

The guard spat on the ground.

\- A little bit of gold ain’t worth my life.

Hvitserk thought for a moment.

\- What about better life conditions?

\- What?

-You don't really like Lagertha's rule, do you? Be sincere. Look at yourself. Guarding a useless prisoner, no better if she'd put you to guard her owl.

The men exchanged hurtful looks.

\- Oh, - said Hvitserk, - she did already?

\- Told us to feed it, - admitted one of the men mournfully. - This creature is rapacious!

\- Just like her mistress, - added the second. – Phooey!

\- That’s unheard of. World’s been turned upside down. To have a woman rule all by herself.

\- Exactly! – picked up Hvitserk quickly, - she surrounds herself with women only, doesn't she? She removed men from all power positions.

\- I always thought it not fair, - confessed one of the guards. -  Now my wife is a shieldmaiden and I have to stay home, sweep the floor and cook meals for the brats. This is not right. This is not how the world should look like.

\- Odin wouldn't want it, - added another one.

\- And descendants of Odin won't allow it, - assured Hvitserk. - Just run for Ubbe one of you, and we'll all talk here, like men to men. We’ll reinstate the world order how it should be…

 

* * *

 

 

 

As they talked a dark figure crawled silently toward the tent they were supposed to guard. Ivar slid under the flap of the tent and instantly located a figure huddled near the wall. He crept there and put his palm over the other’s mouth, covering them. The man’s eyes snapped open, he trashed, then fell down with what would be a moan of pain if not for the Viking’s hand still stifling him.

Ivar let go only after he was sure the Christian won't make any more noises of surprise or hurt.

\- Ivar?

\- No, another crippled Viking prince. Of course it’s me.

\- What are you doing here?

\- Isn’t it obvious? I’ve came to retrieve you.

\- Uhm, about that… - stuttered Heahmund, - Actually it’s not that bad here.

\- The fuck are you talking? Are you feverish? – Ivar put a hand to his forehead.

\- Uh, no, I just… - Heahmund stumbled more and more upon his words, his eyes weren’t looking at Ivar. – It’s just… you know, Lagertha came here after the battle.

Ivar’s hand let go of his face and moved to the shoulder instead, squeezing painfully.

\- Has she took you to bed?

\- What?

The grip tightened to bruising force.

\- Has she fucked you?

\- What? No! Of course not! She just washed my wound.

\- Old hag. You're the prettiest while covered in blood.

\- What?

\- She treated your wound, that's pretty good.

Heahmund frowned suspiciously at Ivar but went back to his previous thread.

\- Yeah, - he drawled, - anyway and she...she is... I haven't seen a woman like that before. She wore trousers, she can fight, she kills. I saw her in a battle for a second and-

\- You saw me in several battles for longer!

\- But that's different. You're a man and I prefer women.

\- Well, your bad. She prefers women too.

\- Huh? No, I'm pretty sure...anyway, I’ve decided to stay. As I told you I don't really care which side I'm slaying and I want her to land in my bed. If it is a heathen girl it ain't breaking celibacy, what do you think?

\- I think you've got a serious fever. She's old and blond, not your type. You're coming with me.

\- No, Ivar, seriously, I'll stay.

\- Nobody fucking asked you, slave!

\- Slave? It's not your grace anymore?

\- Well, you didn't like it. But we could go back to that. Later. For now-

There was a shuffle behind the entry.

\- I tell you I’ve heard- - a flap of the tent entry lifted up and a guard appeared. His eyes went wide at the sight of Ivar there and he opened his mouth to alarm the rest of the camp but in that moment a tip of a knife emerged from his throat. His body fell to the floor, revealing Hvitserk behind him.

\- Come quickly! You’ll sort out your lovers’ quarrels later, once we’ll be on a safe ground!

\- I’m not- - started Heahmund.

Ivar hit him in the temple with the wooden part of the hatchet. The bishop fell down unconscious.

\- Brother, help him. He's quite ill, I'm afraid. He's feverish and talks without much sense.

 

* * *

 

 

Heahmund roused as Hvitserk dragged him through the enemies camp toward the woods where Ivar's chariot waited for them.

\- What are we-

\- Run! – hissed Hvitserk. – There is no time to waste.

Heahmund looked around, judging his situation. A decisive look appeared on his face, the one like Ivar saw when he decided to fight for him. Heahmund stopped, wrenching out of Hvitserk’s grip.

\- We’re not leaving without my sword, - he stated.

\- There is not time! – repeated Hvitserk. – I only just send away one guard and killed the other-

\- No, he’s right, - interrupted Ivar.

\- I fucking hate you, - declared Hvitserk. – Doubly if you two are together. Why do I even agreed to this…

\- Where is the sword? – asked Ivar from the ground, not breaking eye contact from the bishop; both of them hardly paying attention to Hvitserk.

\- Lagertha took it.

 

* * *

 

 

Now they all three cowered in the shadow, wobbly form the lights of torches, and watched the scene unfolding inside queen’s tent: black figures painted on the tent wall by the bright light from inside, without colors but with all details.

\- -fucking bitch! – screamed Lagertha inside. – I hoped stupidly she choose to stay loyal to me as she sent the message… though the lack of details was making me suspicious. And look at her now! A loving wife.

\- Maybe she wanted to have her own children, - suggested Torvi timidly.

\- She wanted a crown rather! Astrid and children, don’t make me laugh, Torvi. She wanted power. All the time. I’ve nourished a viper in my own bosom! She constantly undermined my authority while she was here.

Torvi listened in respectful silence.

\- And what’s children for? Look at Ragnar’s bunch! Tearing each other’s throats and his legacy along with it. Cock-fighting fools. This is why I’ve always preferred women…

Lagertha put down her cup and advanced toward Torvi.

\- Lagertha, what are you…

\- Shhh, you’re always so loyal, Torvi. I’m not sure I’ve thanked you enough yet.

Lagertha was now leaning over her.

\- Just let yourself enjoy it, - she whispered. – Please your queen and find consolation in her arms in return…

She leaned further down, to kiss the other woman.

Outside of the tent Ivar laughed at Heahmund’s distasteful expression.

\- Now you see, bishop. How it is you say? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.

\- This is really repulsive, - chipped in Hvitserk. – She will be fucking her own daughter in law.

He didn’t avert the sight though.

\- Okay, but focus on what’s important, - reminded Ivar. – We need to get that damn sword.

\- Sacred sword, - corrected Heahmund.

\- Like, - Hvitserk, obviously not listening to them, still wasn’t over it yet, - Torvi’s eldest son is Lagertha’s grandson technically.

Heahmund made a sign of cross, muttering something – as far as Ivar was informed – about cities in faraway countries, Gomorrah and Sodom.

\- It’s only through marriage and adoption so they aren’t really related…

As Lagertha was straddling Torvi, slipping off her shirt to expose one breast, a soldier rushed inside the tent.

\- I swear men have a gift to ruin everything, - Lagertha rolled her eyes. – What is it this time? My son wants another bride already and I'm to go ask for her cunt for him?

\- No, my lady, forgive my interruption. There was a body found-

\- What a news! – laughed Lagertha. – We’re near the battlefield. Yesterday was a great fight.

\- But inside of the camp! Near the Christian’s tent.

\- Fuck!

Lagertha was on her feet before Torvi managed to push her shirt back up.

\- Come! Maybe they aren't far yet! - Lagertha called and rushed off the tent, her subjects following her commanding voice. In a rush she forgot about the newest blade, grabbing pair of hatchets automatically.

\- Now, it seems like gods are on our side, - smirked Ivar.

\- Only one God, - said Heahmund and hopped for his weapon.

 As they all rushed after their fearless leaderess to the part of the camp where the corpse laid - sans Björn who was in the middle of listening a very illuminating lecture about deer’s balls and Swedish customs, in a very distracting circumstances - it left mostly clear field for the rescue squad to leave the enemies’ camp. Those few who marauded too long Heahmund was cutting down if they foolishly charged at him.

Once in the woods Ivar whistled for a horse and the white mare pulling the chariot came for them.

 

* * *

 

 

\- Do not ever leave me again, - Ivar was saying in the latest hour of the night, after having Heahmund dragged to his bed. He didn't chain him up, but clutched at his shirt and bandages, just to be safe.

\- I didn't exactly have a choice. She abducted me.

\- Well, I’ve kidnapped you first. You're mine and no one else's.

 


End file.
